Meow Mixing It Up

In this video, Curt from “Real Problems” has a chat with his cat Panda to discuss an array of heated political topics.

“Stimulating” does not even begin to describe the conversation you’re about to witness. Watch and discuss.

Poor Me, Another Drink

learn when to pay a round – writes:
Hi, I have a problem. I enjoy going to the bars with my friends and I have a big problem with “cheap people” so I try not to be cheap. But, what do you do when you buy rounds of drinks, tip the bartender and try to make everyone happy and there is always one in the bunch who doesn’t reciprocate. I understand this is a “common” problem… but really..what do you do?

You simply stop buying rounds for people.  Sure this may make YOU look cheap, but it is better to be cheap and wealthy than generous and poor when it comes to buying drinks.  You aren’t running a charity; we’re talking about booze here, not polio vaccines for third world children.  Alcohol prices are ridiculously high at bars.  Why would anyone want to pay 5-10 dollars for a drink when they could stay at home and drink a quart of turpentine for $1.50?  It makes no economic sense!

If you MUST buy drinks for your friends and one person seems to never counter the favor, than you should call them out on it.  Say something that is polite and respectful but also firm, something like: “Hey you cheap piece of monkey sh*t!  Why don’t you pry your wallet out of that cheap ass of yours and buy me and my chums three fingers of scotch immediately!” A courteous statement like this should get your point across in a gentle fashion.

If the above is too nice for you and your friend persists on riding the free drink train, simply find out what it is they drink and when you order a round, replace your friend’s drink with a reasonable facsimile.  Here is a handy drink replacement chart that was developed for other nefarious purposes* but will work equally well here:

Rum and Coke = Coke

Gin and Tonic = Water with Lime

Vodka Cranberry = Cranberry Juice

Draught Beer = Ginger Ale

Screwdriver = Orange Juice

If your friend has the audacity to call you out on this switch, blame it on the bartender and tell your friend to take it up with him/her.  This should provide adequate amusement for you because your frugal friend will most likely be thrown out of the bar for trying to scam free drinks.

-Harry

*REAL PROBLEMS pro scam: The drink conversion chart was developed for conning free drinks.  All you need to do is order one of the replacements for a drink you like and then keep an eye out for someone who is telling a story using exaggerated arm motions (Italians are usually good for this).  Stand very close to this person with your “drink” in hand, so that this person’s “it was this big” hand gesture knocks your “drink” out of your hand.  Most people will apologize and offer to buy you a new glass of whatever they think is on the floor.

Un-fat-tering Attire

pjman8585 – writes:
Why do unattractive, overweight women decide to wear tight clothes that just make them even more unattractive and just wrong looking?  Why don’t their friends or families stop them? 

REAL PROBLEMS fields numerous questions about weight issues for some reason.  So before an army of girth-challenged citizens starts picketing outside of our offices* let me just state that REAL PROBLEMS is not opposed to obese people in any way, because they make up a large section of our fan base (large, get it!). Seriously though, we have no beef with extremely heavy people (because they eat it all!). We are different from other comedy websites that mock the ultra-fat because they are easy targets (because they’re so big!) Damn it, I can’t stop!  Okay, deep breath…

There is really nothing wrong with being overweight.

This question however, is more about presentation than causation and it is one that has preoccupied scientists and philosophers for years.  The key to this problem is a lack of self awareness.  If a person is not aware of the fact that eating their eighth royale with cheese** of the day is going to increase their waistline, than that same person will definitely be unaware of the fact that the child’s size yoga pants they are wearing are making their legs look like enormous sausage links.

If lack of self awareness is the key to the problem, than the lock will most assuredly be spandex.  0.0001% of the population looks good in spandex.  This percentage includes superheroes, strippers, and strippers that are also superheroes, that is all.

I don’t know why friends and family members allow their loved ones to go out in public looking like a 30 gallon hefty bag stuffed with 80 gallons of silly putty.  Perhaps the friends and family are upset from the high grocery bills or maybe they are physically unable to stop them because of sheer momentum and size.  We may never know.  We must act now to stop it though, because spandex is not indestructible, and when those leggings burst off of a 400 pound ass, they will travel at a lethal velocity.  Next time you see a loved one about to leave the house looking like the stay-puft marshmallow man, let them know that shrink wrapping their gargantuan butt is pretty much the least flattering thing a person can do.

The majority of overweight people in our society dress and carry themselves with poise and dignity.  The minority that thinks that stretch pants don’t make them look like walking sack of potatoes, needs a reality check.

-Harry

*if they can get up off the couch

**International verbiage for a Quarter Pounder provided by Vincent Vega

Pubic Enemy #1

Grossed Out writes:
A little while ago I got an omelet at a diner that appeared to have a pube in it.  I didn’t say anything because I was worried about making a scene, plus if a pube was in the first dish they sent out I wouldn’t want to know what was in a ‘re-do’

Alright, I’m calling ‘shenanigans’ on this one.  It’s only because you used the word “pube” instead of “hair”.  No matter, I’ll still answer as if I believe you.

As someone who spent about 8 years in the restaurant industry, I can assure you no waiter or waitress would take offense to you pointing out the fact that there’s a “pube” in your meal.  That’s a universal disgusting scenario no human wants to be involved in.

So, if you didn’t say anything, what did you do? Eat it?

You should have complained and went somewhere else… because you are definitely right about being concerned about the “re-do”.  The server would have sympathized with you, but the cook has sympathy for no one. You were dealing with cooks who hate their job, and even worse, hate making a meal again.  You have to abort the mission. This is a diner, not a 5-star restaurant, the minute you leave, it would have been forgotten.

However, if you’re ever brave enough to accept the re-do or settle for the onion rings on the side,  then you could have done one of two things:

1. Video the incident with your smartphone and upload it to YouTube, just make sure you don’t have any employees documented. That would be bad.
2. When the bill comes, scotch tape the pubic hair on the check and write a note that says “here’s your pubic hair back”.

– Joseph

The Fate of the Great Sunshine State Retirement Rate Debate – Part 1

Beck M.  – writes:
My uncle who’s 63 (or close) told me he wants to move to Florida real bad but my aunt won’t go for it because her kids and grandkids live here. How would you either 1. convince her to move or 2. convince him that living his later years in PA isn’t that bad?

An interesting dilemma to be sure.  Go to the “Sunshine State” where old people go to die, or remain in the “Keystone State” where old people become burdens to their children and then die.  63 is not that old though, so depending on how many packs of cigarettes a day they smoke or hits of meth they take, they should live for another few decades at least*

Both relatives have a valid case.  Florida is totally tubular.  It has: Disney World, Lebron James, and Alligators; all awesome things.  However; Florida also has: ball sweat, giant mosquitoes, and Lebron James; all irritating things.  The other factor you mention is the children. Children and grandchildren are alright I guess, if you’re into that sort of thing.

To research possible effects on the children, I watched a few episodes of a documentary called Seinfeld, in which it is revealed that the main protagonist (called Jerry) lives in the northeast but has parents that live in Florida. The situation yielded wacky yet successful results (although, there were some unfortunate circumstances surrounding a pen that writes upside down).

It is important for your aunt to understand that Florida is not some mythical place where those that travel to it can never return or be visited.  It is also important for your uncle to understand that; on a map, Florida looks like America’s penis and that would mean; in a way, he would be like a tiny sperm waiting to impregnate Cuba (or at least give it a pearl necklace).  So there is that insane rambling to take into consideration as well.

Florida is nice for the aged, but Pennsylvania is a great place to grow old too.  It is full of semi-clean air and wonder!  Your aunt and uncle can drive to Amish country to mock their foolhardy ways or read the periodicals at the library as olds are wont to do.  Pennsylvania also has many exciting activities to keep them on their toes; because there is plenty of heart attack inducing snow shoveling to be done as well as a plethora of fine street gangs that prey specifically on the elderly.

The children/grandchildren possibly have some sort of emotional connection to their parents/grandparents so they would probably want them to stay in case one of them needs an organ transplant or something (that’s what families are for, right?). But the choice is your Aunt and Uncle’s to make.  So if your aunt wants to stay with her kids and grandkids to shoot hoops or build a dune-buggy or something, that is fine.  Or if your uncle wants to wrestle alligators, punch Mickey Mouse in the balls, or stare at beautiful topless Cuban women on South Beach, than far be it from me to stand in the way of that.

-Harry

*or they could die tomorrow; I don’t know, I’m not God.

Kriss-Kross Not Making Someone Jump-Jump

Cross-eyed writes:
Sometimes, I have trouble focusing my eyes. I can’t think straight because I can’t see straight, it throws everything off. Sometimes, my eyes gradually begin to cross without me noticing, until they are fully crossed.  I also see small black things floating around in my peripheral vision, but when I look at them, they move in a hazy cloud of little-black-things. Is this normal?

Okay…   First of all, unless you have recently been kicked in the head by a mule; than no, spontaneous eye crossing is not normal and sounds pretty damned serious.  You should definitely see a doctor about this.

That being said, if you do see a doctor and there is nothing he can do about you being a cock-eyed bastard who sees black spots, you will be okay because many people have achieved fame and fortune despite being afflicted by strabismus.

Abraham Lincoln, Deebo* from Friday, and the Big Poppa himself: the Notorious B.I.G. all suffered from a form of your condition.  So you have a few career options.  You could abolish slavery, become a rap legend, or snatch chains that people’s grandmamas gave them: all of which are dignified occupations.

I’ll let you and the readers of this tremendous website in on a little secret.  I used to wear glasses.  That’s right.  Take some time to let it sink in.  I once had to wear big thick glasses like some common poindexter, until I got my peepers fixed by a laser cannon.  Can you imagine my beautiful face concealed by wire framing and glass?!  It was a freaking crime!  However; I digress, you may need to wear glasses because of your condition.

Glasses aren’t so bad.  People assume that you’re smart.  And in survival situations you can use the lenses to start a fire.  Also you can pull them off in a dramatic fashion when informed of shocking news.**

I hope that this information helps.

I also hope that you are able to read this.

-Harry

*Deebo also played the President of the United States in the movie ‘The Fifth Element’ so that is two Presidents out of the three people on the list of jacked up eyes!  Spoiler alert:  the fifth element is love.  I think?  That movie was fucking weird.

**Jim Gaffigan is one of the greatest comedians of all time.  Hot Pockets!

Creepy Classmate = Late Night Professional

Classy Lady’s Problem:

There is a creepy guy in my class who insists on following me around and sitting next to me, chattering incessantly and asking me all kinds of questions. It annoys me but I don’t want to be mean. He notices every little thing that I do and it makes me super uncomfortable. What should I do?

First off, let me star off by saying there’s probably nothing you can do. Why? Because it sounds like your real problem is that you’re a super-fine smokin’ hot piece of GITCHY GOOTCHY GA-GA-GA!

But honestly, let’s get serious for a second.

Personally, I say you better start paying attention to this lad, because I am almost 99% sure he’s going to become a talk show host.

Don’t believe me? Well, I don’t know what else to say besides “You’re wrong”. Let’s run through the “Creepy Guy Might Be a Future Talk Show Host” checklist, shall we?

Creepy Looking?

Check.

As both a professional problem-solver and a world-renowned late-night band leader, I know what these guys look like…and it ain’t pretty.

Conan. Jimmy. Dave. None of these guys are going to appear shirtless on the cover of a trashy romance novel any time soon. It’s their carefully worded monologues, nutty pet tricks,  and biting remarks on the latest political and pop culture shenanigans  (especially anything involving Oprah) that will get you swooning.

Chattering incessantly?

Oh you better believe that’s a check.

A long-winded chat is absolutely essential time filler to a talk show host, and a very important part of the job.

Asking you all kinds of questions? Noticing every little thing you do?

Double check.

It’s all part of the game, m’lady. Obviously, this guy’s got a hot young team of writers, researchers, and interns that’s chomping at the bit to find out what makes you tick. Not only should you feel flattered, but you should commend this man for having such an excellent staff on hand.

Personally, it sounds like the classroom is not the best venue for this guy. What this young man needs is a hip set and energetic studio audience and he’ll be charming the pants off of you and dozens of other sexy leading ladies once the curtains open immediately following your local 10 o’clock news.

If you look deep into his heart, you’ll soon discover that he is both a passionate lover and a bonafide entertainment professional. And that’s that.

PS:  If he’s looking for an enthusiastic young band leader, please have him contact me at ivorytickler@kaptainmakesithappen.com

Also, I know how tough those tuition payments can be, and if you’re hurting, I’d be glad to help in any way possible (ex. sex for money). Ivories aren’t the only thing I tickle. Just puttin’ it on the table.

Love,

The Kaptain

Finding Emo. Then Flicking It In The Ear.

Jackie T. writes:
Emo hair, Emo pants, and Emo music. Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. I really hate to give them the attention, but if I see one more guy wearing pants so tight, he couldn’t possibly have reproductive organs; and more eyeliner than an entire whore house, I swear I’m jumping the curb and taking out them out, and anyone standing nearby. Ok?

REAL PROBLEMS^tm is on the record for not condoning violence towards our fellow man. (even though there are no Emo men, only little Emo girls.) If your pants are so tight that they make your gonads retreat into your body so that you can express yourself or your music or whatever, that is some serious dedication to being a world-class tool. Running people over (while tempting) is frowned upon legally; however, if a movie came out that had a bunch of Emo people getting run over by a Buick, it would probably win an Academy Award.
*REAL PROBLEMS^tm note to self: begin drafting script of Bangs of Blood: Emo Car Wreck in 3D

The good news is that My Chemical Romance’s new single stinks.  That’s going to hit the Emo community pretty hard.  Not to mention tight pants are awful for your sperm count.  (Shh, keep this a secret!)  When they grow up and try to reproduce, the doctor will reveal to them, “Maybe if you didn’t wear tight pants all those years, you could be spitting out a black haired, eyeliner wearing creep of your own.”

Emo really is on the way out.  If you looked at a line graph from 2004 to 2011, you would see a sharp decline in Emo kids.  So, just hang in there and laugh at them behind their backs like the rest of us.

No bills for pills, causing ills

Heather’s Problem:

Not being able to afford anxiety/depression medicine, thus sending you into withdrawl that bends reality so you’re not sure whats real or not and makes you scared shitless. not to mention gives you the sweats, spins and absurd dreams.

Wow.  I think I’m in over my head here.  Ok, this goes without saying (because I’m typing it) if you think that you’re a danger to yourself or others; you need to seek professional help, i.e. help that is in addition to this bodacious website.

That being said, you don’t mention whether or not you are getting your “medicine” from the CVS or from the guy hanging out behind the CVS.  So I’ll assume that your medicine is legit. (my anxiety medication is only available at liquor stores, because this stupid state has these ridiculous puritanical laws that have been around since William Penn showed up; and they close so early it’s ridiculous! But I digress.) If you need this medicine and you don’t have the money for it, you have a few of options.  You could get a job; but let’s face it, jobs are lame so that’s out.  Or you could apply for some government assistance to get your medication.  They just passed some new healthcare legislation that may or may not be repealed now that the Democrats no longer have a majority, but I don’t know about that kind of thing because I’m not some politics following nerdlinger, I’m too cool for that crap.  Or you could learn to love hockey, slow down your speech patterns, knock back a couple of Molsons, and become a Canadian citizen (that is literally the Canadian citizenship exam).  It is pretty cold up there which will no doubt contribute to your anxiety/depression but Canadians are chill and you’ll have free health care and all the medicine you need so you can mooch off of America’s little brother until your anxious little heart is content.

Remember that withdrawal symptoms pass and there are support groups out there for these types of things.  And since we already know that you can use a computer, look that shit up for yourself, we can’t do everything for you.

In an ironic twist, it seems like your anxiety/depression medication is causing you a lot of  anxiety/depression.  So maybe you should think about taking the hugs not drugs approach in the future.  Just make sure not to overdose on hugs, because at first you hug around your friends, and before you know it you’re pawning all your stuff to score some group and bear hugs.

-Harry

A Rotten BlackBerry

Scan Man writes:
“My blackberry phone keeps turning off in mid convo… how do i fix it??”

Hello Scan Man, Joseph here.  It was a pleasure to help you solve this REAL PROBLEM via video response: