Kriss-Kross Not Making Someone Jump-Jump

Cross-eyed writes:
Sometimes, I have trouble focusing my eyes. I can’t think straight because I can’t see straight, it throws everything off. Sometimes, my eyes gradually begin to cross without me noticing, until they are fully crossed.  I also see small black things floating around in my peripheral vision, but when I look at them, they move in a hazy cloud of little-black-things. Is this normal?

Okay…   First of all, unless you have recently been kicked in the head by a mule; than no, spontaneous eye crossing is not normal and sounds pretty damned serious.  You should definitely see a doctor about this.

That being said, if you do see a doctor and there is nothing he can do about you being a cock-eyed bastard who sees black spots, you will be okay because many people have achieved fame and fortune despite being afflicted by strabismus.

Abraham Lincoln, Deebo* from Friday, and the Big Poppa himself: the Notorious B.I.G. all suffered from a form of your condition.  So you have a few career options.  You could abolish slavery, become a rap legend, or snatch chains that people’s grandmamas gave them: all of which are dignified occupations.

I’ll let you and the readers of this tremendous website in on a little secret.  I used to wear glasses.  That’s right.  Take some time to let it sink in.  I once had to wear big thick glasses like some common poindexter, until I got my peepers fixed by a laser cannon.  Can you imagine my beautiful face concealed by wire framing and glass?!  It was a freaking crime!  However; I digress, you may need to wear glasses because of your condition.

Glasses aren’t so bad.  People assume that you’re smart.  And in survival situations you can use the lenses to start a fire.  Also you can pull them off in a dramatic fashion when informed of shocking news.**

I hope that this information helps.

I also hope that you are able to read this.

-Harry

*Deebo also played the President of the United States in the movie ‘The Fifth Element’ so that is two Presidents out of the three people on the list of jacked up eyes!  Spoiler alert:  the fifth element is love.  I think?  That movie was fucking weird.

**Jim Gaffigan is one of the greatest comedians of all time.  Hot Pockets!