Un-fat-tering Attire

pjman8585 – writes:
Why do unattractive, overweight women decide to wear tight clothes that just make them even more unattractive and just wrong looking?  Why don’t their friends or families stop them? 

REAL PROBLEMS fields numerous questions about weight issues for some reason.  So before an army of girth-challenged citizens starts picketing outside of our offices* let me just state that REAL PROBLEMS is not opposed to obese people in any way, because they make up a large section of our fan base (large, get it!). Seriously though, we have no beef with extremely heavy people (because they eat it all!). We are different from other comedy websites that mock the ultra-fat because they are easy targets (because they’re so big!) Damn it, I can’t stop!  Okay, deep breath…

There is really nothing wrong with being overweight.

This question however, is more about presentation than causation and it is one that has preoccupied scientists and philosophers for years.  The key to this problem is a lack of self awareness.  If a person is not aware of the fact that eating their eighth royale with cheese** of the day is going to increase their waistline, than that same person will definitely be unaware of the fact that the child’s size yoga pants they are wearing are making their legs look like enormous sausage links.

If lack of self awareness is the key to the problem, than the lock will most assuredly be spandex.  0.0001% of the population looks good in spandex.  This percentage includes superheroes, strippers, and strippers that are also superheroes, that is all.

I don’t know why friends and family members allow their loved ones to go out in public looking like a 30 gallon hefty bag stuffed with 80 gallons of silly putty.  Perhaps the friends and family are upset from the high grocery bills or maybe they are physically unable to stop them because of sheer momentum and size.  We may never know.  We must act now to stop it though, because spandex is not indestructible, and when those leggings burst off of a 400 pound ass, they will travel at a lethal velocity.  Next time you see a loved one about to leave the house looking like the stay-puft marshmallow man, let them know that shrink wrapping their gargantuan butt is pretty much the least flattering thing a person can do.

The majority of overweight people in our society dress and carry themselves with poise and dignity.  The minority that thinks that stretch pants don’t make them look like walking sack of potatoes, needs a reality check.

-Harry

*if they can get up off the couch

**International verbiage for a Quarter Pounder provided by Vincent Vega

Cock-a-doodle DON’T

No More Old Man Balls writes:
In the locker room at the gym I go to, there is always a group of old men standing around totally naked.  I’m not gay or homophobic, but it still bothers me to have to see these old withered up dongs every time I workout.  How can I get these old bastards to cover up? 

First off, thanks for clarifying that you are not gay, nor homophobic.  I wasn’t aware you could be both gay and homophobic.  Sort of defeats the purpose to be gay and homophobic, doesn’t it?

Anyhow, I’ve got TWO quality REAL SOLUTIONS for you.  They both involve a bit of detective work on your part.  Next time these guys are at the gym, head out to the parking lot (perhaps with a book to kill some time) and wait for the old men to come out.  Observe which car they get into, take down each of their make/model/license plates.

POLITE APPROACH: Type out a very kind letter:  “Dear sir, nothing against your penis, I just don’t care to view it. After your shower, can you please wrap a towel around you as soon as possible? Thanks very much and best wishes for 2011” Print out as many copies as you need and stick them on the windshields of their cars.  Hopefully your polite approach will prove effective.

NASTY APPROACH: Discretely pull out your smartphone and snap a picture of these naked guys*.  Leave the gym, record an approximate amount of cars in the parking lot.  If there’s 50 cars, you will need to print 50 pictures. Include some kind of caption “What is really going on at Frank’s Fitness” or “Are these balls old, OR WHAT” or “These bald-headed yogurt slingers are waaayyy past their expiration date”.  You might need to recruit some friends to help you slap these pictures on the windshields. The last thing you want is to be caught with 50 pictures of naked old dudes. Hopefully the embarrassment of their nude photos on strangers’ cars will either cause them to cancel their gym membership or think thrice about getting naked in the locker room.  You can even use reverse psychology and say “Hey guys, I’ve noticed your not naked anymore, I really miss that.”  If you say that, they’ll never suspect you as the culprit!

– Joseph

*If this is illegal, then I’m just kidding